Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Quiet down, brain!

I can't believe how I good it  felt to blog yesterday! I just sailed through my day. I didn't realize how conciously making a little time for myself would energize me. I'm definately the type of person to put myself last, so making a tiny committment to myself - a little writing time before starting my day - improved my mood, productivity trememdously.

Another interesting side-effect...over the course of the day yesterday, I thought about what I could write about next. Yup, my brain was buzzing along with work-related stuff, yet I caught my mind drifting several times to new topics to blog about. I dare say that this exercise will quickly become my favorite part of the day :)

Now, I don't have any groundbreaking or paradigm-shifting thoughts this morning LOL but I am just grateful for my awesome friends that are joining me on this little journey. It really helps a lot to know that I have support!

Today loks gloomy outside, and I wish I didn't have to go to work. I would much rather curl up on the couch with my little girl and play 'movie theater'. As I am sure that you can guess, it's when we close all the curtains in the living room, put on a movie, and each popcorn and candy. Little one has been to the moves a few times already, but she really doesn't have the patience for sitting through a whole movie. Lately, I haven't had the patience either :)

One character flaw of mine is that I have a hard time NOT multitasking. It's super hard for me to sit through a whole movie and not also surf the web, checking my email, or tidy up the room. I really need to cut that crap out, but it is part of my OCD. My brain tells me I need to be proactive, so I am always stuck thinking about the future, instead of enjoying the presence. I guess it  is not really about having enough patience to get through a movie. If anything, it is about not allowing for stillness. Even as I type this, my shoulders are tense, my foot is twitching, and my brain is yelling at me to get ready for work. I guess I reall need to work on this....

Monday, May 18, 2015

Blasting through my writing block

I will begin posting here regularly as my friends and I embark on a new journaling adventure! I am super excited to begin flexing my writing muscles once more. It's been way too long since I have posted here, but I always have lots to say :)

I'll be posting "morning pages", which is a stream-of-conciousness' writing style. Basically, I'll be stringing together my random thoughts each day into a blog posting. It's likely that most of it won't make any sense whatsoever, so be prepared for disconnected musings, silliness and typos. LOL

I have been struggling with putting pen to paper for a couple of years now. For some reason,the permanence of writing something down on paper gives me the worst anxiety. It's not like I am writing something really important or groundbreaking, and I need every word to be the exact. My private journal ramblings in the past are a mish-mash of angst, mechancholy and sometimes even hormonal blatherings. So, why should I care what goes down on the page? Maybe I have finally come to the deep-down realization that words (spoken and written) have power. I have know that is true for the longest time, but I am not sure if I felt that fact so heavily until these past few years.

I think what goes right along with the 'words have power' idea, is that I am afraid that if I actually write down everything thing I am feeling, especially my frustrations, that it will somehow create more negativity. But I don't think that is necessarily the case. Sure, if I am spouting off online and being an asshat, then that would probably cause a shitstorm. However, if I am going to journal, then dammit, I need to get it all out there as a form of cleansing! I think it is worse to hold it all in...

Which leads to another part of my struggle to journal - my strange need to censor myself all the fricking time. I am so afraid that I might offend someone (not that anyone reads my journal, but more so about my blog postings). I really need to stop giving a damn what anyone thinks! I am not the type of person to directly attack anyone, so I am not worried that I am going to say something intentionally sexist, racist, etc., because I am not that kind of person. But I am very sensitve person, so I have the tendency to assume everyone else is too. But I know that not everyone feels the same way, otherwise I would have never been verbally abused or blasted in an online form like I have been in the past with my so-called friends and covenmates. Oh, but that is a whole nother topic that I'll write about someday :)

Okay, so this blogging experiment will be a new opportunity to share my thoughts (as random as they are) with the world. If you don't like what you read here, then feel free to go away. But if you do like it, post a comment of encouragement. I could use a few hell-ya's to keep me going :) Ta ta!

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Prayers at the Beach

This afternoon I visited my favorite local beach to do a little community service. I walked along the beach and picked up trash. Sadly, there was lots of trash to pick up. Even though the weather is turning colder every day and hence the beach is less populated, we still get a lot of debris that washes ashore from boaters in the bay. I ended up filling two kitchen trash bags full of trash, mainly beer/soda cans, soda bottle caps, cigarette butts, and food wrappers. Some of the most interesting items that I came across included a bottle of bleach, a birthday balloon, and an unopened bag of chips. Sigh.

But the reason I wanted to share my clean-up experience in a blog posting today, was a small item I came across. I almost missed it at first, because it was crumpled in a wet ball and slightly buried in the sand. As soon as it caught my eye, I knew something was unusual about this item. 

The item was several pieces of lined paper. It was a letter someone wrote to Yamaya, an African Sea Goddess. Now, I have to admit that I did read the first line of the letter, before I realized that I was violating this person's privacy and betraying the Goddess she was calling to. I immediately stopped reading the letter, and folded it up into the palm of my hand.

Luckily, there were no one nearby on the beach, because they would have though me a little mad. I was suddenly overcome the letter writer's despair. I dropped to my knees into the brown beach sand, clutching the letter and stayed there for a few minutes to ground out the energy I had unintentionally absorbed. I buried the letter deep within the sand, and asked Yamaya to hear this person's request. 

Honestly, I wasn't sure what else I should do. So I continued on my way.

I guess the really odd thing is that this is not the first time I have come across someone's letter to a deity. About 6 years ago, a gust a wind blew someone's letter to Jesus next to my car in a parking lot. I was not sure what to do, then, either. 

What would you do if you came across someone's personal prayer to a deity? Would you read it? Would you leave it where you found it? Would you dispose of it? 

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Naming your pain

Sometimes, when I write,  words come out all jumbled and nonsensical. Sometimes they form poignant thoughts about life. I'd like to share something that I wrote recently. Honestly, I think it teeters on the seam between nonsense and poignancy. I'll let you decide :)


Most of the time, we don't know what is good for us. We hold on to sights, sounds, and sensations that are not healthy. We keep pushing that damn boulder up the hill, hoping that when we get near the top, it won't roll back down over us. We are afraid.

When you have spent long enough pushing the stone, you become linked to it. Your focus becomes less about the hill or the horizon and more about getting through each moment. You place all your emphasis on each step, just to move forward. And even if you just want to stand still, you need to be strong enough to hold the stone in place and not let it slide backwards.

Perhaps the worst part is knowing that the stone doesn't care. Its weight bares down on you, not from malice, but just because it is a stone. It doesn't care if it is a burden to you. It doesn't exist to vex or block you. It's a painful memory that you have fashioned into a slice of granite. Right now, you are choosing to bring it along, because you don't know any other way.

I have my own granite slab. I have been chipping away at it, but it is still here. I rest my back against it, and it is ice cold. I press my hands against it, and they chill to the bone. I am not moving this stone any more. It's just sitting here on the hillside. I circle around it, yell at it, and it is silent. I chisel words into it. I name the pain. I claim it. But I won't carry it any longer. I am walking away.

Recent Free Reading - April 2013

Hi all, I'm working on an update post this weekend, but in the meantime, I wanted to share with you a free reading I did over email for a client earlier this spring. 

If you want a reading too, check out the link at the top of my blog!



Reading for [name removed]
April - May 2013

I drew a card from the ‘The Enchanted Map Oracle’ to begin your reading. The card is called ‘Protecting Treasure’. The meaning of this card centers around the vulnerability. Specifically, this card cautions you to be wary of opportunities for people to take advantage of you. I get the sense that your eagerness to pursue your career field may encourage you to give too much of yourself to get ahead. Oftentimes, this desire leads us to the compromise your beliefs and/or the suspension of your needs to meet the needs of the team. It is an unhealthy situation and will not lead you to success. 

Your decision to turn down the recent job offer was a perfect example of what you should be doing. You followed your intuition and allowed the job offer to close. This must have been hard for you, but your instincts are always correct. 

I would encourage you to spend some time thinking about why it is exactly that you turned the position down. On the surface, it may seem that you did it because perhaps the pay wasn’t high enough or maybe the commute to work would not have been accessible. Whatever the surface reason was, I guarantee you that there was more to it. 

Please spend some time thinking about the circumstances of the job, and especially the interview. Do you recall any ‘signals’ during the interview that made you doubt that this job was the best thing for you? Did someone ask you an unusual question? Did the interviewers allude to something dishonest? Did their body language say something different than their words were stating? These are all clues to why your intuition led you away from the position. I know this may sound silly, but it is true. If you spend some time reflecting on your total experience with this job offer, then it’s likely you will recall the warning signs that your unconscious mind picked up on, which will help you notice these ‘red-flags’ in the future. 

The card ‘Protecting Treasure’, on the surface appears to be about securing one’s wealth. However, the deeper truth to the card is that YOU are the treasure! You need to make decisions that are to your highest benefit. And sometimes, it is in your highest benefit to walk away. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is not safe, and will not benefit you. Once you accept that, you will be ready for the next opportunity to appear.

I pulled another card from the ‘Enchanted Map’ deck for you. It is called ‘Details, Details.’ This card supports the previous card through the message of ‘pay attention’. This card also carries a reminder for you not to expect perfection from yourself. If you feel you need more support in an area of your personal or professional life, you should seek it out, but do not let it form a barrier to your desires!

I drew your reading’s third card from a deck called ‘Wisdom of the Hidden Realms’. The card ‘The Phoenix’ brings a message of a new cycle in your life. It reminds us that those aspects of our lives that do not fully serve our greater good will exit our lives, as long as we let them. Holding on to patterns and lifestyles that no longer meet your needs is a form of self-sabotage. Your next cycle will be full of opportunity and so you need to make room for it. That means letting go of anything that does not support your goals.

The phoenix is a creature that is reborn with every new cycle. With every chance to  grow you, too, can be reborn. The spirits suggest that this is now the time for you to enter a new cycle in your life. Now is the time for discovery!

You need to fully define what it is that you are looking for professionally, but also personally! If you do this, with zeal, and follow your intuition, then you will find the opportunities are numerous!

I drew a fourth card for you from the same deck. The card is called ‘The Swan Queen’. This card reinforces the previous card, so the spirits are giving me a very clear message to share with you. ‘The Swan Queen’ card is all about not doubting yourself.  The Queen reminds us  that transformation of any kind takes time and patience. Now, this doesn’t mean that you should just sit back and wait for something else to come along. Oh no! It does mean that you should continue to follow your intuition and pursue opportunities that you are interested in. 

One final note. Sometimes during a reading I get a flash of an image that I believe comes from the spirits that walk with you in your daily life. During your reading, I had a vision of you packing boxes. The environment seemed more like a warehouse than a home, but it could have been a garage. I’m sorry if this is vague, but it is all I could see. I hope this has some kind of meaning for you. 

I thanked your spirit for speaking with me, and I felt it’s presence depart. If you have a spare moment, please consider buying a piece of green stained glass and placing it in your home somewhere special in honor of your spirit guide. 


Recent Free Reading - March 2013

Hi all,

Here's a sample of a free reading I did for a client in March.

Hopefully this gives you a better idea about what my readings are like!



March-April 2013

The first card I drew for you is the Angel 'Sonya'. Sonya delivers messages of peace from beyond the 'veil'. Sonya says that someone that you have lost has found peace on the other side, so you should release any worry you have about them. The person has transitioned fully, carrying your love with them. 

The second card I drew for you was the 'Ask' card. This card tells you that if you need assistance from your angel guides, you do need to ask for it directly. Angels want you to be actively pursuing your dreams, but they can help you along the way if you just ask!

The third card I drew for you was the 'Focus on Service' card. This card says that you should consider what kind of service you can commit to for the greater good in your community. What can you offer to the world freely? It does not have to be anything on a grand scale. Maybe it is just a little bit of your time on a regular basis? When you devote energy to serve your community, you receive energy back into your life exponentially.  

Beyond what the cards say, I received a direct message from your angel guide. Your angel told me that she wants you to "Get away from the loudness." She is worried that you have retreated away from something that you have enjoyed and replaced it with something that is unhealthy and/or unfulfilling. She wants you to return your focus to positive, creative works and try to find your balance once more.

The angel showed me an image of her sitting next to you at a piano. You were upset, and she was trying to comfort you. You walked away from the piano and went outside. The street was crowded, and it was at night. She didn't show me any other significant details.

[Sometimes these images can be literal, as in you actually play the piano, or figurative, as in you listen to piano music a lot. It's hard for a mystic to tell the difference. I hope this has some kind of meaning for you.] 

I thanked your angel for speaking with me, and I felt her presence depart. If you have a spare moment, please consider buying her a flower and placing it in your home somewhere special.


Friday, February 1, 2013

Mental Chatter

I am super tired. My little one decided that last night would be a great night for a party. She would not settle down and sleep. I tried every trick in the 'book', and nothing worked. So, I finally brought her downstairs to the living room and let her play. I slept a little bit on the couch, but she kept hitting me with toys or calling my name, so in truth it wasn't sleeping, more like one eye open, one eye closed. She zonked out at 2 am. Ugh!

I am weirdly upset that I couldn't blog last night. Sure, I would like to think that somewhere someone is reading my blog everyday and was bummed when I didn't post, but I doubt that is true. I think the deeper reason for my disappointment is because I am afraid that my brain will use this as an excuse to beat myself up. You know what I mean, that negative mental chatter that chips away at your self-confidence.

I need a lot of sleep in order to function. My husband can be just fine with 5-6 hours of sleep at night, but I can't. I need at least 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night, otherwise I am zombie in the morning. So, yeah, I'm dragging myself around this morning, but I am not myself.

Because of my lack of sleep, my mental chatter is out of control. I can't stop myself from thinking about all the things I should be doing right now. All the plans I had for today that aren't possible anymore. I don't have the strength right now to suppress this mental harassment. It's making me grumpy. {Sigh}

It's going to be one of those days. Lovely.